Apr 192011
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Jan 012011
My wife died in 2010. That is it. 2010 condensed in five words and a period. I’ve yet to write down what that meant for me. I wonder if I ever will. And maybe that’s the reason I’ve found it hard to write. My number one fan (and only fan?), Myra, says that I have a story to write and that I should write it down. But I don’t really know where to start. And I’m certainly not doing it now. This is my attempt to write down 2010.
She died in February 2010. What happened next is pretty much a blur. But I do know that I finished 15 books this year. I think that’s a record of sorts for me. And I think listing them down pretty much summarizes the blur.
- All I Really Needed to Know I Learned In Kindergarten (this is the updated version; I was obviously looking for answers)
- The Devil’s Punchbowl (Luth and I discovered Greg Iles right about the time she started to get sick – we read everything together; except for this one which came out this year. I read it anyway in the hope that by reading it, I would be able to share the adventure with her. I hope she enjoyed it as much as I did)
- How To Talk To A Widower (This is the book that turned everything around for me. Dark. Funny. Essentially F-U and don’t mess with my grief. Doug Parker is wonderfully imperfect. The start of my new serial hunt for Jonathan Tropper’s work)
- Love Story (Began my effort to wallow in emotion and see if I get saturated to the point of numbness)
- The Notebook (Aside from reading this one, I also saw the movie version of Nicholas Sparks’ Nights in Rodanthe. I soon wrote the two ‘fiction’ pieces here in my blog after reading Love Story & The Notebook)
- The Book of Joe (Reaffirmation that Jonathan Tropper writes for me)
- Pygmy (Chuck Palahniuk really writes weird. But yes the world has bigger problems than I do)
- This is Where I Leave You (Jonathan Tropper)
- Everything Changes (Jonathan Tropper)
- Look at the Birdie (Jonathan Tropper says Kurt Vonnegut is a major influence so I picked this one up)
- Breakfast of Champions
- Less Than Zero (Bleak, No Future, Walang Pakialam. I miss the 80s)
- The Road Less Traveled (This one needs a post of it’s own. I finally finished reading it after 5 years or so)
- The Lost Symbol (Yes, I also read idiotic popcorn fiction)
- Outliers (Lots to know, lots to learn. Malcolm Gladwell always manages to give a fresh perspective on how to view the world)
15 books.
I think it means that I sought to understand. I sought to find answers. I wanted to understand a lot, lot, more. And I like what I’ve seen. There is a whole other world out there and while it certainly feels like everything is “been there, done that”, I know I am so wrong. Endless adventures await should I decide to do the brave thing and start living and learning again. And I think I’ve kicked off the adventure pretty aggressively by transferring jobs in November.
I’m currently reading Hitori Nakano’s Train Man. It’s about a young man who meets a girl on a train. He’s SMITTEN (yes in caps!). But he’s a geek and does not know what to do. So he posts on an online forum and he finds help and support from the ‘net.
I’m rooting for him of course. Despite everything, love is a wonderful thing. Living, Learning, Loving.
1.1.11/2:53PM
Oct 222010
I’m trying to test blogging by sending an email via my mobile phone. It sounds strange given that this is a smartphone and I should be able to post directly on my blog by accessing it on the phone. Well I could, but the blog isn’t mobile friendly and it’s tedious to have to scroll all over the place.
And I’m also trying to prove that I dont need a netbook or an Ipad. Or maybe I’m trying to prove that I need one. Hahahaha.
Sample instream image:
Blah. Blah. Blah.
Aug 012010
He had lent her his jacket earlier that evening. She’d felt cold and he lent her his jacket.
It had been what? More than 25 years since they last saw each other? And it was good to see him again. She knew that he’d wanted to stay longer if he could, but he had to go this time. And tomorrow she had to go back home.
All she had of him now was the jacket she held gently in her hands. She brought it up to her face, lay back, closed her eyes, and breathed deeply. There was a hint of cologne, but deep beneath was his familiar scent. Him. His scent. She remembered how it was many years ago, to be in his arms, to love truly and truly be loved. And then she knew. After all these years, she loved him still. And all the feelings she’d kept deep and hidden now surfaced and sobbed their way free.
A slight noise brought her back to the present as her eldest daughter entered the room.
“What are you doing, Mom?”
“Oh…”
Her mom was in tears, yet she smiled at her.
“I’m… just… happy.”
Jul 222010
He stood at the same place where he was eight years ago.
It was probably even the same month. Perhaps fate made sure it was even the same day. And as it had been back then, he wished for time to stand still so the day could not end.
As a young boy he’d been here in this garden, and had clumsily told her, “I have to go – it’s getting dark na eh.” Clumsy it turned out because what he really meant to say was, “I have to go but I don’t want to because I’m crazy in love with you.” He eventually told her what he really wanted to say, after many, many, weeks of rehearsing the scene in his head. And in time, she also fell in love with him.
And he remembers that time in his life as all-wonderful, filled with knowing looks and meaningful smiles of two young people who have fallen in love for the first time. They spent afternoons together all summer, holding hands whenever they could. They exchanged perfumed love letters, worded full of clichés their young minds could barely understand. But pure as it was, it could not last. The fun and the laughter would end a few months later, their young love a poor match to the tumultuous crazy confusion of teen years.
Tonight they talked and laughed the way old friends who have been apart too long always do. And once again they stood in this garden trying to say goodnight for the 9th time tonight. Should he tell her that all throughout those missing years he’d thought about her a lot? No that wasn’t true. All throughout those missing years he’d missed her and loved her more than ever. But he couldn’t possibly say that, could he? That would just ruin the moment. But tonight there seemed to be something more to her smile. And when she laughed it seemed that she was really glad to be with him tonight. But most of all she had that look – the look that said she loved him back better than words ever could. Or did she? Or did he just wish this so?
He had tried to get back together with her in the past, but she’d always turned him away. It had been always a cycle of sorts – they would see each other, chat, be friends again and then he’d have to spoil the friendship by asking her to fall in love again. But tonight it felt different. He couldn’t possibly spoil the moment, could he? No. Not tonight. Walk away.
“I really have to go. But this was nice. Really nice. And I’d really like to see you again.”
And she is 12 again, smiling the smile that melts all his pretense at control.
“Oo ba.”
It’s an effort to turn around and walk to the gate. Was that a sigh? He turns around again and looks at her looking at him. The smile is gone, but there is something about the way she looks at him and the way everything around seems to have fallen silent.
He walks back to her until their bodies almost touch. She looks up at him, eyes twinkling, and mouths, almost whispering, “Ano?”
And they kiss. He’s tentative at first, but she puts her arms around him and kisses back. Through the silence of a kiss he tells her how much she’s loved, and she hugs him tighter, telling him just how passionately she loves him back.
Jun 282010
Most of the time the world just happens. And at times life is shitty and random and it just doesn’t make any sense. No sense at all. But sometimes everything fits and once again you wonder if everything does happen for a reason.
And so I’m on my way home and traffic is at a crawl along Ortigas Avenue Extension. Rain had been pouring for a while and traffic plus heavy rain could only mean that the road ahead must be flooded. It had been so far a two hour drive for what would normally take less than an hour.
A few cars ahead of me are a couple who are my neighbors and also my officemates. They soon call to tell me that they are turning around to take a longer route home. That would also normally what I’d do, as that longer route had saved me more than once. But this night I decide to simply bear the heavy traffic and aim for Ever Gotesco Mall up ahead and park and probably eat and then wait it out a bit.
After a few moments at the parking lot, I get bored and start texting a few friends. A close friend from high school lives nearby and so I text her and tell her where I’m at and warn her about the traffic in the area. And I’m surprised by her response. Apparently there’s a crisis of sorts at her home because her son who’s diabetic has misplaced his insulin shot for the day. And because of the traffic in the area, they don’t think they can make it to the drugstore at the mall before it closes. So I just offer to buy the medicine and bring it over. Her house is near the mall and going opposite of where the traffic was so I’m at her place in about 20 mins.
Problem solved.
And I get a nice cold beer to boot. And good company for about 3 hours while I wait for the traffic to ease up.
Sometimes everything just clicks into place. Perfectly.
Jun 032010
There is just something primal in singing the following lyrics at the top of your voice with a raised fist:
Laklakin mo hanggang gusto mo
Wala namang pumipigil sa ‘yo.
Dikdikin mo sige. Tapakan mo.
Ubusin mo hanggang sa ika’y maging bato.
Kagatin mo. ‘Wag mong lubayan.
Bugbugin mo. Durugin mo
Laklakin mo sige. Laklakin mo
Ubusin mo hanggang sa ika’y maging bato.
May 26. At the Tiendesitas. Mike Hanopol, Wally Gonzales, and Joey “Pepe” Smith. The power trio of gods of Pinoy Rock better known as the Juan Dela Cruz band rock and rolled and took away my blues.
Rewind years and years and several more years and my friends and I were bobbing our long haired heads up and down to this kanto anthem.
Fast forward 35 or so years and I’m now mourning the death of my wife. And the song is suddenly about my pain, my loss, my anguish. And I found myself shouting it out, bringing it to fore and offering it to the gods of pinoy rock and roll. Ubusin mo hanggang sa ika’y maging bato!
That felt good. Endorphins or alcohol or rage or anger or all of the above. That felt good. Truly good.
(Photo courtesy of Pat Te Seng)
May 132010
I’m all right. I know it is so because:
I sleep longer hours
I can sleep on your side of the bed
And I can sleep on your pillow
And I sometimes wear your slippers
And I’ve realized most of my txts and calls were from you
And yes John Waite was being sarcastic.
05/13/2010
Dec 312009
2009 started off with a lot of love. Friends and acquaintances gave us hope by giving us the financial support needed for Luth’s medication. And it was such a massive outpouring of love and support that it gave me hope things were going to swing our way.
True, I had been notified that my contract, along with all my other officemates, was being pre-terminated a lot earlier because of the US recession – but I didn’t think it would be difficult to find new work. Boy was I wrong.
Everything started to get desperate by May. I had only asked friends for help for 3 months (which I felt was more than enough to ask of them) and I was no longer earning anything.
I got my break in June, when a huge global IT software company took me in. The pay was a lot less than what I had been getting – but this time it was for a regular appointment – so the job came with full benefits. But challenges remained – the biggest of which is of course, Luth’s battle with cancer. By then it was obvious that the cancer was still there and I just did not have the funds to continue her previous medication which had seemed to give us hope.
We got another break in August, when we learned that a generic version of Luth’s wonder drug was selling for a tenth of the price we had been paying. But it was more difficult to source, as we had to find our own channel to India to acquire the medicine. Luth’s cancer turned for the worse in September and she had to be confined again. Friends once again came to the rescue as they helped us with funding for medical expenses. We soon got our medicine from India, and Luth was discharged after a month of confinement. But this time Luth would be unable to walk out of the hospital.
To date Luth is still bed bound, and not yet able sit up nor much less walk about. But she continues with her medication and physical therapy and she grows stronger everyday.
My biggest challenge right now remains to be funding. I can see it easing up by middle of 2010 when part of our monthly payables will have been completed. But between now and then I really don’t know how I’ll make it 
The year ends again with friends – in a very surreal setting: a friend’s new bar is being set up in a building which was built in the 19th century… it has some ways to go but it looks promising. And the friends who come to share a drink are ones whom I haven’t seen in a very long time. And their mere presence comforts.
And now as the year draws to a close, I am still adding new found friends in Facebook, and the friends who have been there for a while make their presence felt and continue to give hopeful wishes for 2010. So as I look back to 2009, I see how difficult the year was and I realize that I made it through because of the love of friends. Thank you all!
Cho
May 032009
If you’re more or less of my age, you still probably remember the Zonta Aquariums in Intramuros. It was one of the more memorable stops on school field trips. But unfortunately it disappeared sometime in the 80s.
In 2006 or 2007, I remember being pleasantly surprised by newspaper reports announcing that an Oceanarium was going up somewhere by Manila Bay. Not just aquariums – but a huge complex that focused on marine life – complete with a walk-tube under a simulated ocean environment not unlike those seen in Sentosa or at Sea World.
I had wanted to go as soon as it opened in 2007, but at the time Luth couldn’t really go for long walks and I didn’t want to just go there with the kids and just tell her all about it. But sometime last month, I suddenly remembered wanting to go and with Luth back to being ‘lakwatsa-ble’, we pried the kids off computer screens for half a day and took off to see what Manila Ocean Park was all about.
(click on thumbnails to enlarge pictures)
Flash photography isn’t allowed inside the ‘aquaria’ proper and since it’s quite impossible to ask the fish to stay still, I was unable to take nice pics inside. Looking at the fish, I think it’s still not being maintained as it ought to be – but nonetheless it’s amazing to see stingrays ‘flying’ about. And no, there aren’t any dolphins or killer whales jumping hoops.
The whole complex is still under construction – I believe they’re still working on the hotel – but there are already a lot of restos and some stores.
Overall I think it’s a little pricey at 400 pesos per head – that’s 2000 pesos for all five of us! It’s kinda hard to impress kids nowadays – what with virtually everything available to see on the ‘net…. but I still saw there were ‘aww…’ moments for all of them. But then again you still kinda leave with a “that’s it?” feeling when you go.